Let Them Be Free!

The Squeaker.

The FlaBurtz.

The Waaf.

The Puffer. The Fluffer. The Ole Gezzer Duffer.

The Bllllzzzzzztt.

The Tweeter.

The Squirtity Squeeter.

No matter the word, it all comes down to the same thing. A loud, unavoidable release of gas in the class. The kind of gas passing that would register on any given Richter Scale as a damaging menace to society. . . One gas passing that a bar full of truckers and bikers would be proud to call their own. The only problem was, we weren't in a bar and there were no truck drivers or bikers to be had (self excluded). We were in whole class reading. A typically quiet venue.

The natural order of things can go in two directions:

1.) You can ignore it, talk quickly and loudly hoping that no one raises their hand with the typical, "Did you hear that mini nuclear explosion? I think the fall out has swiped the hair clean from my arms!"

or

2.) You can acknowledge the little thunder rumple for the mover and shaker they are, dismiss them to take care of any unfinished business, and adjust the classroom back to some form of civility as you grasp the nearest industrial air-spray sanitizer around.

Another day in the life of a teacher.

The Missing Test

It's business as usual for a Friday in class with my students. Friday is usually assessment day.

"Is there anyone still working on their math test?" I have the students turn in their papers as they finish, rather than collecting them all at once. The good thing is I get a jump on correcting their papers, which usually allows me to return them before they leave for home. The bad thing is I have to keep track of who's still working and who's getting a bit edgy and ready to do something else.

No one responded to my questioning. This only means I need to say it again, in a different way, "Do I have everyone's paper?" I asserted my slower, louder voice in order to be understood clearly by the average 4th grade child.

The room begins to so signs of intelligent life as they become human bobble-heads one by one. At first glance you would have thought that each and every student was completed, but it's the silent stare that you have to have a keen eye out for,... and there it was. From a boy across the room,... a blank stare of confusion. As I locked in on him, I also took note that his desk was swiped clean of all papers.

"Did you turn in your paper?" I tried to coax an answer from him. His head gave a slight bob. "Did you just say yes?" I questioned further. His head gave a slight twist, side to side. "No?" I continued the dance as if it were leading somewhere. His head remained motionless this go 'round. What does that mean? Now he's not even giving me the non-verbals. Just the stare.

I decided years ago that when given the chance to stare, one should take it. And so it was on! The room was dead silent as I looked at him, him at me,... neither one of us knowing what good any of this would do. Finally the silence was broken with a tiny snickering voice, "Stop the madness!" came the plea.

"If you were your test, where would you be right now," I quietly probed him for one more response that I knew couldn't be answered with a 'yes' or 'no' bob of the head. I did realize that he could always resort to one of my favorite gestures, the shoulder shrug.

"It's in my desk," he answered as he opened up his desk and removed it from between two text books. "It's not done though."

I know, I know. How could a student take a test and then just put it in his desk and not finish it? Good question. It's also a question that they never answered when I was going through all of my teacher classes. They never teach you the crucial things such as, what do you do when one student throws up in class and starts a chain reaction? I don't think they want the new teachers to know about such things happening. This is where my years of experience pays off.

"Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you finish it and turn it in to me," I threw out a strong suggestion. "The rest of the class will move forward with Friday."

Resolve to....

Blood work ... back in the day that meant we were building a higher ramp to jump our bikes off of,... today (at middle age) it just means that your doctor is going to have hurtful things to say about your eating habits.

Lucky me, I had mine done right before the turn of the calendar and just in time to make a NEW New Years Resolution. Over the past decade I have pretty much given up on the tradition of making and then breaking of a resolution. I just resolved myself to the fact that I had little will-power to carry out whatever I had set before me as a personal challenge. Some years the resolution lasted for months, other years,.... days,... and yes, there were those years,... just to the end of my fleeting thought of a resolution.

I found that if I didn't resolve to make myself a better person and it just happened, then bonus for me and society. However, once the pledge was out there for just one other person to hear, the resolution became a one way street to disappointment. I was doomed - DOOMED!!

They say you should tell other people what you have chosen to change about yourself in order to gain support and help you to succeed. I say this works if the other person is a complete stranger who could care less - point in case,... a toll booth operator. These people are to resolution makers, what drive through windows have become for fast food - like 'fast food' confessional booth, you just roll on up, pay your tool, and,.. "I resolved to cut down on speeding through the I-Pass lanes to see if they'll actually send me a ticket!!" The professional toll-booth operator won't even flinch an eyelash as they change the red traffic signal to green and give you the go ahead on the rest of your day, the rest of your life. They won't even bring up the topic with you again. There's no judgment, no disappointment if you happen to slip, no expectations what so ever.

Now tell this same thing to a close friend and you've just bought yourself the monthly conversation of, "Well, how's the I-Pass resolution going? Oh,... that's a shame,... I thought this was the one resolution you could actually attain in your life. Especially when you consider the lack of actual time you spend on the tollways."

Now I realize by putting out there the fact that I had blood work leads some to guess what I might be resolving to do this year, but the facts are these: We are four days into the twenty-ten year and the results of my resolve can't be seen yet. Check back with me in another 185 days. That will give me time to think of reasons as to my short coming and may even lead to your new position as a toll-booth operator,... just hitting the button and giving me the green light go-a-head.